Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.