“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
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My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
#Caturday
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
new career option?
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.