Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of aligarchy's best tweets

@aligarchy : recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with "i actually remember being born" and i just put down my drink and left

@aligarchy: you're supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

@aligarchy: *hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON'T BE A QUITTER

@aligarchy: it's weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

@aligarchy: the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get

@aligarchy: DR: you have this disease
ME: oh no
DR: but you can cure it with a healthy diet and exercise
ME: OH NO

@aligarchy: SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don't want any proof that i've eaten here

@aligarchy: sorry i'm late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

@aligarchy: the fondue...? you mean, my drinking cheese?