You Might Also Like
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.