Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.