I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.