Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.