@alldrolledup: I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
@alldrolledup: my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
@alldrolledup: You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
@alldrolledup: when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
@alldrolledup: A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON'T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
@alldrolledup: One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
@alldrolledup: Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
@alldrolledup: It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.