DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
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I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
That’s classic.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry