Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
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She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Everything reminds me of my ex
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.