“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
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Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad