I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.