My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.