Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
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Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
People buying plungers never look happy.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.