I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
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ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Snapes on a plane.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.