I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
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Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should