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I’m half potato on my dad’s side
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*