“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.