When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.