Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.