*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.