Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*