“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.