Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.