@amydillon

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

@amydillon

BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.

@amydillon

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

@amydillon

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

@amydillon

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

@amydillon

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

@amydillon

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

@amydillon

It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

@amydillon

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

@amydillon

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.