Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.