“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.