[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.