Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
You Might Also Like
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*