wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
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Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean