me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.