Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
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Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption