My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.