[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
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I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well