My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
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There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
A leaf blower, but for people.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.