Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Netflix and awkward silence?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.