As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party