what kind of cook setting is this??
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Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Rambo Rambow
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing