Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
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Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.