I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
You Might Also Like
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
This guy gets it.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.