@animaldrumss: [ronald mcdonald in fake mustache sidles up to group of teens] mcdonalds sucks right guys? Let's discuss ways they could improve their image

@animaldrumss: moron: "duhh, i hate taco bell, every time i go there i get diarrhea"
me: try getting tacos instead, genius

@animaldrumss: Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed

@animaldrumss: No, actually I hate gambling, that's why the dice on my shirt are on fire. If I see someone start to gamble I'll burn up his gambling dice.

@animaldrumss: Guy [beating me up for making a joke at an inappropriate time]: whos funny now you piece of shit
Me: wait, you thought i was funny before?

@animaldrumss: son, you don't need to close your eyes, it's just a movie. the killer from the movie can still get you even if you're not watching it

@animaldrumss: Jesus: Those were the times when I carried you son
Me: And when the vending machine ate my dollar?
Jesus: That time you bought me a Snickers

@animaldrumss: To those out there who have accused me of selling out, of abandoning my beliefs and values to climb the social ladder: uh... yeah. yes.

@animaldrumss: [overhears guy saying economy is bad]
[later, at family dinner] no trust me, the last thing you want is an economy. those things are so bad