Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
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Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
how much does a mortician urn in a year
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera