Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
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You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Software Development ⛵️
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Noted.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life