flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
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Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems