Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
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After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.