I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
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I’d rather go liquor treating.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Clients after you give them your rates
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.