Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
