I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.