me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
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[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye