Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
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One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”