I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
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I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn