I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.