Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared